July ‘Scopes

Though the skies are grey, the stars are great. They whisper into my blessed eyes secrets of the future, which I, in turn, whisper to you.

Your destinies are revealed through this cosmic game of Telephone, typed below with hallowed hands (mine, they’re mine. I’m very hallowed).

Cancer
Whenever it rains this month, that’s for you. You make God sad. You don’t care, though – you’re a witch, and the water just strengthens you. This is fortunate, because trouble is headed your way: You’ll have a night out between the 4th and the 13th that will end in a violent altercation, possibly with a… I’m getting a “B” word… A bear! Yes, you’ll fight a bear.

Leo
Desperate for the attention you don’t deserve, you’ll start eating the inside of a couch. Not only is the strained chewing a sure way to vanquish your loved ones, but you’ll actually become addicted to couch fluff. Around the 27th you’re at your strongest, so that’s the best time to quit the habit and take up a sport (obviously not a team one).

Virgo
No-one cares. Seriously, anything you say this month will fall on deaf ears. But you’re probably used to that. A camping trip in the middle of the month could help you chill the fuck out and develop some charisma. If not, hopefully you get lost in the woods and leave us all forever.

Libra
This is a real “professional development” month for you. Take every opportunity presented to you, and you’ll go into August set up for success. Throw a party early on this month and one of your guests will lead you to a dead body. Play your cards right, and this could be your greatest gift all year.

Scorpio
Abandoned in a desert, you will grow thick eyelids and scales. The Sun, though harsh, is nowhere near as cruel as the sand-children that haunt your dreams. What do they want? Do they want your leg? You chew your leg off and leave it as a gift to the desert. When you make your way back to civilisation no-one will know the difference.

Sagittarius
This is your month to stop and assess. Because you’re a goddamn loose cannon you obviously won’t, and by the 18th you’ll be broke, burned out, and on the edge of creating a screamo band. Offer your first born to a stockbroker with a limp and you might avoid bankruptcy.

Capricorn
At a party hosted by a Libra you’ll learn something you wish you didn’t. Do not follow anyone to an isolated area, and do not accept drinks you haven’t poured yourself. When you inevitably get way too extra please take your uninformed opinions, speak them into a paper bag, and bury it with a bundle of sage. This will give everyone inside time to lock the doors behind you.

Aquarius
Nothing you do this month will be different from the last. The stars don’t work against you, but neither do they work for you; they simply forget you. Seriously, no star has ever whispered anything to me about an Aquarius. My advice is to check your birthday and hope you actually have another destiny, because this one is all accountancy and the colour beige.

Pisces
This month comes bearing good news! I don’t know what it is, but get hype! The good news will come at the end of a week of self-doubt, which could be any week, as you’re all a bunch of sad sacks. Have some Listerine on hand and your two whole friends on speed-dial, because this month you’re going large!

Aries
You’re struggling with responsibility right now. Maybe you have a new job, a new baby, or an upcoming haircut – whatever it is, you’re scared. You don’t have to be. Fire is your element, so you burn brightly under the spotlight! If you follow your instincts in a moment of pressure, there’s no chance the police will catch you.

Taurus
If you have a significant other, the 7th is the time to bring up something that’s been bothering you. They will realise it’s not working and leave, allowing you to stop stagnating and achieve greatness at last. A night class will do wonders for your personality problem.

Gemini
You’ll start the month well, having been inspired by your own reflection. Keep up the momentum by locking yourself in a room for two weeks with meal supplements, speed, and a white noise machine. When you emerge you’ll look hot as Hell and have produced your greatest work all year. If you hear scraping at the walls – don’t worry about it. They can’t get in.

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