Scorpio season got me good. I’ve spent the past couple of weeks trapped inside a landslide of The Cure CDs, eating eyeliner and pissing into condoms. All as the stars commanded.
They told me this month is a write-off for everyone. Some of you have soared briefly, but you will come crashing and burning down next month. Nothing is permanent. Eternity is only for cockroaches and bagpipes.
With that in mind, I’d like to present The Scorpio ‘Scopes, or: Reasons I Hate You.
I hate you because you set fire to my TV. I know it was 15 years old and the glass had been ripped out, but I was gonna pretend it was art.
I hate you because you were wrong on the internet and I didn’t screenshot it in time, and now you’re denying it ever happened.
I hate you because you’re the human embodiment of a shitpost.
I hate you because you make the same mistakes over and over. If I must listen to you complain then please make it interesting.
I hate you because you spent $1500 on a handbag that is phenomenally ugly. I hope you stare into it for too long and it turns you to stone.
I hate you because you focused on my maths error instead of the actual point of the conversation, which was that you’re a total buzzkill and I don’t owe you $40.
I hate you because you’re bad at lying. Go hard or go home, you sycophantic fuck.
I hate you because I find your meme page to be a very personal attack on my beliefs.
I hate you because you have terrible habits and will still be more successful than me.
I hate you because you aspire to mediocrity. Be better. Research a personality.
I hate you because you cleansed my house of ghosts and now they all hang out by my shed throwing ecto-tastic parties I’m not invited to.
I hate you because your introspection isn’t productive. Try “extraspection,” where you give a shit about other people.