October ‘Scopes

I’m a Gemini sun, so there’s no way this monthly update is ever going to occur at a predictable time. This month is Libra season, so get ready to feel calm and in control – until Halloween. On that note, let’s get into what October’s got to offer. There’s nothing scarier than what the future holds!

Aries
Your loud exterior distracts from your quiet, basic instincts. This month, Libra season is balancing out these two sides to you by having you shriek aggressively about puppies and pumpkin spice. Oh yeah baby, it’s pumpkin spice latte season. You love it. Around the 18th you’ll love it a little too hard and permanently tar yourself with the smell of off cinnamon. Disgusting.

For Halloween you should go as: Pregnant Kylie Jenner.

Taurus
You will be buried alive in broken Moet bottles, their edges blunted by the heat of a thousand burning LuMees. It’s how you’ve always dreamed of dying, but you won’t. Your time has not come. You’ll claw your way out and face the cold world with glassy eyes and cork under your fingernails. Inside a nearby rubbish bin there is half a cigar. Smoke it, and a genie will appear. Be nice to him, it’s his first day.

For Halloween you should go as: the Cheshire Cat.

Gemini
During the second week of October, Libra’s balancing influence will give up on you. Some people just lack an inner serenity. It’s time to accept that you will never find peace or long-lasting happiness, and focus on more manageable career goals: for example, you’d be a great rock star or serial killer.

For Halloween you should go as: a Stormtrooper.

Cancer
Whoever you’re in love with doesn’t love you back. Outside of witchcraft, they’ll never be devoted to you. Inside of witchcraft, you have options. You’ll need a candle, a tarpaulin, some part of your love’s body (e.g. hair, nail clippings, eyeballs), and a drill. You know what to do.

For Halloween you should go as: A sexy version of something lame, like a cat or a latte.

Leo
Around the 17th you will fully transcend your corporeal form. Your spirit will rise above the Moon so you may gaze on all of humanity and its potential. You will then plunge back to Earth and into an old weasel, stuck in a trap and awaiting a rescue that never comes. That’ll teach you some god damn perspective.

For Halloween you should go as: Shrek.

Virgo
You invent a way to make phone screens matte, so they don’t disrupt your interior decor so much. Around the 21st you’ll find yourself trapped in a haunted veterinarian’s office, sheltering from a flock of rabid budgies pecking their way slowly through the door. The window is jammed, and you try to catch the streetlight with your phone to attract help. Too bad it’s matte.

For Halloween you should go as: a fetus, covered in blood and bearing a caul, preaching rebirth to all partygoers.

Libra
Your balanced and forgiving nature is at its strongest this month. That’s good, because it’s also your birthday and you know the Libra mantra: everyone is disappointing. Throw a party and people will definitely come; all with the same gift, a signed Blake Shelton CD. “You don’t already have one, do you?” they’ll ask. You’ll grit your teeth, lie badly, and feed them laxatives.

For Halloween you should go as: a mirror, to reflect the horror of your everyday life.

Scorpio
You will become trapped in sewer whilst trying to hunt It. You can’t get out; the exits are small and you are fully grown. You’ll be there for a week when through a small grate in the wall you sight a young boy, frolicking in the rain. “Thank God,” you sigh with your gross starvation breath, “a saviour!” As the boy runs past you grab his arm, wheezing for help. Torn by the razor-like sewer grills, his limb severs and he bleeds out in front of you. You pull his body in and consume him. You will live another week.

For Halloween you should go as: Kermit the Frog

Sagittarius
Stuck in traffic, the radio blasts ‘Freestyler’ by Bomfunk MCs five times in an hour. It plays over and over in your head for seven days before an old hag tells you the cure: you must either 1 – suffer serious head trauma or 2 – create and maintain a Twitter account dedicated to Finnish nationalism. You choose the former.

For Halloween you should go as: a zombie. You’re in hospital, you might as well make the most of it.

Capricorn
You’re pretty quick at picking up new technologies, so this is a good time to look into surrounding yourself with robots. They’ll laugh at the right jokes, stay up all night while you get ritualistically wrecked, and dress you for work while you sleep it off. Invest in Robotix now for a discount on the CyberGroupie 2: all the precision wingmanning of the 1 with an added LASER-projected emotional barrier.

For Halloween you should go as: your high school self. The flashbacks thrust upon you and your friends will be more horrifying than any ghoul.

Aquarius
You will be voted “Most Likely to Be A Robot” and malfunction in your confusion. Beware of baths, occult ground scrawlings, and Capricorns. Toward the end of October, a street fool will tell you to change careers, then spit blood. You’ll heed their advice, and finally join a cult. You were destined for this. Your entire life has built toward it. The country air, the community spirit, the sweet fashion. Goodbye forever.

For Halloween you should go as: Your favourite Madonna look (not the pop star; Jesus’ mum).

Pisces
This month you’ll win the lottery, despite not buying a ticket! How did this ticket get in your wallet? Don’t ask questions! It’s good luck! When the police ask you how this happened, tell them not to ask questions. Spend the money on a sweet ‘copter and ride away into the sunset, and the hail of gunfire from the gang you accidentally swiped the ticket off. You thieving rat.

For Halloween you should go as: Woke Jim Carrey.

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