The SJW Zodiac

Originally published in Craccum in 2017.



Takes the protest megaphone home with them.

Tinder anthem is ‘Kill all the White Men’ by NOFX .

High-key emotional, cries with rage.

Devoted to the cause but will become a career politician, less effective and more bitter with each passing term.

Most likely to punch a Nazi.



Joined the Occupy movement by occupying a beach.

Superstitious, predicted the election outcome using Tarot cards.

Went to Thailand for a Full Moon Party so they understand “slumming it”.

An environmentalist but would never take public transport.

Most likely to appropriate other cultures.



Thinks they’re Trotsky.

Wants a war, should probably keep that to themselves.

Skim reads thinkpieces.

Punches Nazis because it’s a socially acceptable outlet for their bloodlust.

Most likely to idolise Slavoj Zizek.



Cried when Metiria Turei resigned.

Has quotes from the Communist Manifesto memorised.

Responsible for activist in-fighting.

Will have a career in union work, and one day a small plaque in a park bench will commemorate this.

Most likely to use buzzwords without understanding them.



Made a Facebook status about buying hot chocolates for the homeless but paraded their new Louis Vuitton bag in front of them yesterday.

Will openly weep about how National “doesn’t care about the poor” but also… doesn’t care about the pooor.

“This is personal!”

It’s not personal. They’ll stop volunteering at this shelter as soon as the cameras are gone.

Most likely to become wealthy and throw fundraising galas instead of attending rallies.



“I support you in principle!”

Thinks you’re going a bit too far.

Just wants to get “something sensible” out of this.

Makes sure everyone gets a turn to speak, probably has a “talking stick”.

Most likely to be holding the talking stick.



Calls for change in a very quiet voice because they’re afraid of it.

“I prefer ‘humanitarian’ because I care about everyone.”

Watches a lot of rallies but never marches in them.

As good at lying as Paula Bennett (i.e. not very good but does it anyway).

Most likely to become Big Brother.



Understands the theory behind your praxis better than you.

The only thing they’ve ever organised was a very hedonistic post-rally piss-up.

Has a stick-and-poke “woman power” tattoo.

Refers to Winston Peters as “Ol’ Winnie”.

Most likely to be “ironically” conservative.



Has a riot playlist.

Doesn’t go to all the protests but fights the good fight every day by yelling at bigots in the street.

Is woke to every social justice issue under the intersectional sun.

Can be found in Family Bar at 4am arguing with the bouncer about the power dynamics of groping.

Most likely to be arrested for the cause.



Likes to play “Devil’s Advocate” but actually just has bad opinions.

Gamer – probably plays Nation States to act out their dream of being an American Civil War General.

Believes the last thing they were told by anyone over the age of 35.

“That’s not what my Mummy said!”

Most likely to think David Seymour’s “actually kinda funny”.



Probably a nihilist.

“Asexuals have a place in the LGBT community!”

Thinks all lives might matter.

Started three socialist meme pages and abandoned them all.

Most likely to join a cult.



Can be found at the back of the protest, trying not to look too involved.

Hates the patriarchy but doesn’t want it to hate them.

“Did you know Audrey Hepburn was in the Resistance during World War 2?”

Is a member of 60 different tag groups on Facebook. Never posts in them.

Most likely to be a slam poet.